How Regulating Around Others Rewires Your Nervous System

Posted on November 26, 2025

We Don’t Rise Alone

I recently moved to a new town in a state I haven’t lived in for eight years. My adult sons are here, and I have a couple of familiar faces, but otherwise I’m rebuilding; new community, new routines, new support system. And at the same time, I’m starting a brand-new career and business…in my 60s.

My old life is still lingering in the background, the house hasn’t sold yet, finances feel tight, and there are moments when the ground feels a little unsteady. But I keep moving forward. And what I’ve learned is this: now more than ever, my ability to connect with people is essential to my survival, my happiness, and my wellbeing.

As I meet new people, something fascinating keeps happening. As their stories unfold, their families, jobs, losses, hopes, I feel these subtle, silent points of connection. Little moments where something in me recognizes something in them. I find myself offering empathy through a smile, a nod, a shared laugh, or simple small talk that gently bridges the gap between strangers.

I don’t know them well enough yet to go deep, but still…something in me responds. And something in them responds back.

It’s not just conversation. It’s energy.

A quiet exchange that feels supportive and steady, like someone lightly holding your hand during a scary movie. They’re new to me, yet I can feel the comfort of their steadiness. Ideally, they can feel mine too, maybe not consciously, but in the way they walk away thinking, I enjoyed her or I hope I see her again.

This is co-regulation. It’s one of the most incredible features of being human.

We see it everywhere, in nature, between pets and their people, and especially with children. It’s the moment when two nervous systems begin to harmonize, tuning into one another without a single word spoken. Some might call it empathy. Others call it attunement. But whatever the name, it is the foundation of emotional safety.

Sometimes the fastest path to calm is standing next to someone whose nervous system already remembers how.

The Science of Co-Regulation (In Simple, Human Language)

At its core, co-regulation is just this: your nervous system reads the room long before your mind does.

It’s constantly taking in signals, tone of voice, facial expressions, posture, energy, even breathing patterns, and deciding whether you’re safe or on alert.

That’s why our nervous systems feel “contagious.”

Calm spreads.
Stress spreads.
Laughter spreads.
We catch feelings the way we catch yawns.

Think about times you’ve been around someone who’s anxious. You might start talking faster or feeling a little tighter in your chest, even without meaning to. The same is true in the opposite direction: sit next to someone grounded and gentle, and your whole body begins to settle without a single word spoken.

This isn’t imagination, it’s biology.

We have mirror neurons, the brain cells that activate when we watch someone do something. They help us understand people, empathize, and match their energy. And we have the vagus nerve, the main communication highway between the brain and the body, constantly updating your internal “weather report.”

Together, they interpret the emotional cues around you and send signals to your body about how to respond. That’s why sitting with a supportive friend feels physically different than sitting alone with your thoughts. Their presence becomes a steadying force your nervous system can borrow from.

This isn’t dependency.
This is interdependence, something humans are wired for.
We’re built to steady each other.

Everyday Examples of Borrowed Calm

We experience WE experience grounded, human co-regulation all the time. These are not dramatic moments, or even ones you will recognize as co-regulation, but your body and mind will adapt as they need to. Let’s review a few examples.

1. The Comedy Club — Laughter Syncs Us Without Permission

You walk into a comedy club and you’re packed shoulder-to-shoulder with strangers.
You don’t know who they are, where they work, or what kind of day they’ve had.
But the second the room laughs, you laugh too.

Your brain doesn’t stop to ask,
“Are these my people?”
It simply hears safety, and joins in.

That’s co-regulation: your nervous system borrowing the cues of dozens of others who already feel open, relaxed, and ready to play.

You didn’t choose it, it just happens.

Happiness tip:ask a friend over to watch a Netflix Comedy show. Create the opportunity for laughter.

2. Being Someone Else’s Support — Staying Steady on Purpose

Imagine being with a friend who starts spiraling:
they’re talking fast, their breathing is shallow, their thoughts are racing out of their own mouth.

You don’t say, “Calm down.”
Instead, you soften your face.
You breathe slower.
You lower your voice.
You anchor yourself so they can find their way back to their own center.

You’re not fixing their problem, you’re regulating your own nervous system so theirs can find a rhythm to follow.

Sometimes the most healing thing you can offer isn’t words…
it’s steadiness.

3. The Grocery Store Moment — Borrowing Calm from a Stranger

Picture this: you’re standing in line at the grocery store after a long day.
Someone ahead of you is impatient, the clerk looks overwhelmed, and the energy is tense.

Then an older woman steps in behind you, and she’s calm.
Truly calm.
Her shoulders are relaxed. Her breathing is slow. Her presence is unhurried and warm.

Nothing is said, but your whole body softens.
Your exhale gets a little longer.
You feel steadier simply because you’re standing next to someone whose nervous system is not in a hurry.

This is co-regulation at its simplest:
not a conversation, not a relationship, just the nervous system recognizing safety in another human being.

When we live with more awareness, more presence in our own bodies, we start to see how powerful our energy really is. We become the steady one for others when they’re overwhelmed (like in Story 2), and we also learn to notice when we need to borrow calm from someone else (like in Story 3).

That’s the gift of conscious living:
we support others without losing ourselves, and we let others support us without feeling weak. Co-regulation becomes a skill instead of something that just happens by accident.

The Reverse Is True, Too: Borrowed Anxiety

Just like calm is contagious, so is chaos. Our nervous systems don’t only sync with laughter, ease, and steady breathing, they also sync with stress, urgency, and emotional overwhelm. You’ve probably felt this without naming it: you walk into a room and instantly know if someone’s tense, irritated, or carrying something heavy. Your body reacts before you can explain why.

This is borrowed anxiety, and it happens fast.

Sometimes it shows up as talking faster because the other person is talking fast.
Sometimes it’s your shoulders rising because theirs are.
Sometimes it’s feeling rushed even when there’s no real hurry, just someone else’s urgency leaking into your system.

One of the most powerful signs of borrowed anxiety is when someone else’s pace becomes your pace. Their frantic energy pulls you out of your center, and suddenly you’re matching a rhythm that doesn’t belong to you.

This is where conscious awareness becomes essential.
There’s a subtle but important difference between empathy and emotional takeover.

Empathy says:
I feel you. I’m here with you.

Emotional takeover says:
Your anxiety is now mine. I’ll carry it for both of us.

And that second one drains us, quickly.

When we can notice borrowed anxiety in real time, we gain the power to pause. To slow our breath. To return to our own emotional tempo. To remember that supporting someone doesn’t mean absorbing them.

Because just as your calm can steady others, your steadiness can protect you as well.

Why Practicing in Safe Spaces Changes Everything

One of the most underestimated parts of healing is simply this: your nervous system needs rehearsal time. It needs places where it can practice calm without pressure, without judgment, and without the demand to “get it right.” Safe environments give your body the space to slow down, to experiment with new responses, and to remember what steadiness feels like.

When your system feels supported, it learns faster.
It softens faster.
It trusts faster.

This is why group spaces such as circles, classes, workshops, quiet gatherings, are so powerful. When people come together with shared intentions, they create a collective steadiness that everyone can borrow from. Someone else’s grounded breath becomes the reminder your body needed. Someone’s centered energy becomes a lighthouse for your own.

For a little while, you borrow calm… until your own nervous system remembers how to create it on its own.

This is the heart of the work I do, gently guiding people into those supportive spaces where they can practice new emotional patterns. In my Mindset Mastery Circles, group hypnosis sessions, and guided journaling workshops, the real transformation happens not because people are “trying harder,” but because they finally feel safe enough to relax into a new way of being.

And once your body knows the way back to calm, it becomes easier to access, no matter where you are, or what life is throwing at you.

How to Borrow Calm Intentionally

Co-regulation doesn’t have to be accidental. Once you start paying attention, you can use it as a gentle tool to support yourself in everyday life. Here are a few simple ways to do that:

Sit next to someone grounded (not to talk, just to be).
Sometimes the quiet presence of a calm person is more regulating than any conversation. Let your body settle next to someone whose nervous system feels steady.

Match someone’s slower breathing for a few minutes.
If you’re around someone who feels relaxed, notice their breath. Without forcing anything, let your exhale lengthen to meet theirs. Your nervous system will take the cue.

Choose environments that feel safe, warm, and steady.
Some rooms settle you. Some rooms spike your anxiety. Start noticing which is which, and choose the spaces that support your regulation.

Engage in shared activities: walking, gardening, crafting, cooking.
Doing something side by side. without the pressure to talk, creates a natural rhythm between two people. It syncs breath, focus, and energy in a gentle, effortless way.

Practice emotional “temperature checks” around people.
When you’re with someone new or familiar, pause and notice:
Do I feel more grounded or more tense right now?
Is this energy mine or theirs?

Awareness alone can shift your entire state.

Borrowing calm isn’t about depending on others, it’s about allowing your nervous system to receive support when it needs it, the same way you offer support to others when they need you.

How to Become the Source of Calm Yourself

One of the quiet truths about co-regulation is this: calm is learned through the law of repetition.The more time you spend around steady, grounded people, the more your nervous system begins to memorize what calm actually feels like. And once your body knows that feeling, it can begin to recreate it on its own.

Over time, something beautiful happens.
You start becoming the one who slows the room down.
You become the anchor in conversations, the steady breath in the car, the soft presence in your home.

Your partner feels it.
Your kids feel it.
Your coworkers, friends, and even strangers feel it.

Not because you’re trying to “fix” anyone, but because you carry an energy that invites others to settle. Your presence becomes the quiet permission slip for others to breathe, soften, and recalibrate.

And here’s the miracle of it all:
healing yourself heals your circle.
Every time you calm your own system, you’re contributing to the emotional health of the people around you. Your inner work ripples outward in ways you may never fully see, but everyone benefits.

You don’t have to be perfect. You just have to be present.

And that steady presence becomes a gift, one that supports you, and everyone you touch.

Closing: The Togetherness That Changes Us

When I first arrived in this new town, meeting new people felt like stepping into unfamiliar rooms with an unfamiliar version of myself. Everything was shifting, my work, my home, my identity, my stability. But the more I showed up, the more I realized I wasn’t navigating any of it alone. Even in the earliest conversations with strangers, I felt those quiet points of connection, the ones that steadied me without a single promise or expectation.

Those small moments weren’t accidental. They were my nervous system recognizing safety, warmth, and human presence. They were reminders that we rise through connection, not isolation.

That’s the heart of this whole journey: We’re not meant to self-regulate alone.
Borrowing calm isn’t weakness. It’s human. It’s sacred. It’s one of the oldest forms of emotional support we have.

And as we borrow calm from others, we learn how to give it back.
We learn how to be the steady one.
We learn how to become the grounding force we once needed.

This is the very work that shapes everything I create, the clarity-centered writing, the hypnosis sessions, and the circles. They’re all designed with the same purpose: to help you recognize your own internal weather, regulate it with compassion, and find support in the places where your nervous system can finally exhale.

Because when you learn to settle your inner world, even for a moment, you change the world around you, too.

If this resonated with you, share it with someone who’s been a steady presence in your life. And if you’re ready to explore your own inner calm more deeply, join me here on Substack or visit lighthousemindsetstudio.com for upcoming circles, hypnosis sessions, and clarity tools.